My work life is going to suck so bad when Liz quits.

I think it’s pretty lame-tastic that I can’t get pet insurance. My cat is sick and I can’t afford the tests to find out what it is so while I wait for my next paycheck to arrive she is stuck just feeling shitty. It’s not fair. If I’m sick I can go see the doctor and pay $20 and get what I need. Why should she have to suffer? I think it’s only fair that I be able to add her onto my insurance plan since she is my dependent. It’s a cruel cruel world we live in.

Beezy little weezy.

There is something between us and I don’t know about you but that doesn’t happen to me very often.

I don’t want to be sad anymore and I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to take the bad with the good. Why can’t it just be good all the time? Sometimes I’m so grateful that I put down the walls I had up around me and then other times I just feel like I was so much better off with the walls intact. I might not have been happy all the time but at least I never felt like this.

Have you ever had a dream that was so good that when you woke up from it you were in a state of bliss and then all of a sudden you realize it was just a dream and then you are all hacked off because you just wanted it to be real so badly? That’s where I’m at right now.

I wonder when I will stop waking up and immediately checking my email and then having the harsh realization that I won’t ever wake up to a sweet message from him again. 

on the agenda for today:

Moping around

Reading old messages for him

Wishing none of this ever happened

Then getting my shit together and pretending like I’m ok while I hang out with Liz. 

So I was looking through some old pictures I found tucked away from the move and found some that were really hard to look at. Its weird to see myself being so happy with the other person in the photos. It made me mad to remember. I wish I didn’t care and for the most part I think I don’t but there is a small part of me that can’t just forget all that happened. I don’t know if I can just put all the hurtful words he said and all all the times he made me feel unimportant behind me. I guess only time can tell.